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9 Extremely Unlikely VGA Headlines

9 Extremely Unlikely VGA Headlines

by Jasdeep SahotaDecember 10, 2011

Spike’s Video Game Awards are just around the corner and the entire industry is buzzing with lots of logical speculation. The problem is, logic can be quite boring at times. Logic only makes for sensible conclusions. When you want radical results, you have to start thinking stupid. You’ve gotta embrace the potential absurdities and inject a little rational madness into proceedings. Trust me, when none of these predictions come true, i’ll be proclaimed a pioneer by pretty much no-one everyone.

Sony Unveil The Playstation 4!

Sony decide to reveal their latest gaming behemoth at the VGAs rather than E3 in an effort to strengthen their indie credentials. The Playstation 4 uses a “New-Age-Retro” design philosophy that looks backwards for inspiration. Wired controllers, sub-sub HD resolution (450p), a Red-ray floppy disk drive and twin coal-powered AC adapters are just some of the features it will be touting. Sony claim the industry is “saturated” and that they need to create a profitable niche in order to survive. They also announced a price: $799 dollars. Excluding season-pass.

Hideo Kojima Is Making Metal Gear Rising!

Hideo Kojima announces he is taking charge of MGS: Rising. All of it. Kojima alone is handling the game’s production, direction, art, sound, gameplay, level design, A.I., voice acting and motion capture. This comes after he famously said that Metal Gear: Peace Walker would be his last involvement in the series.  Koj believes his plans are “ambitious” but claimed that he just “couldn’t walk away”. He also coined the phrase “TransTasking” to describe the game’s revolutionary development process. MGS: Rising is expected to be released in 2016 and will apparently last around half an hour; 20 minutes of which will be cut-scenes.

GTA 5 Protagonist Revealed!


Commander Shepard Is a Dad!

Yes, Shepard’s multi-specie sexual escapades have finally caught up with him as Liara announces she’s pregnant. Players find out halfway through Mass Effect 3 and are forced to buy nappies from the Citadel. It’s just a shame that Shepard eventually gives Liara the cold shoulder in favour of getting jiggy with a kinky Krogan. Old habits die hard.

Epic’s New Game Is Unreal Tournament 4- And It’s Kinect only!

(No wonder they were afraid to show it…)

Cliff Bleszinski demonstrated the game on stage looking inexplicably more ridiculous than the Ghost Recon man at E3. He promptly broke down in tears and hasn’t been seen since.

Hitman Absolution Involves Cross Dressing!

Agent 47 infiltrates a ladies-only nightclub and is forced to dress up in a pink frilly dress with matching heels. 47 manages to minimise suspicion by using sultry red lipstick and giant Lady-Gaga-style hat. His bar code was still oddly visible though…

Half Life 3 Is Coming!

Valve say the game will be released when people stop asking about when the game will be released. The Internet imploded in confusion. All that remained were burnt cat carcasses and a slew of undying memes.

Lair 2 is Announced!

Sony used extensive focus testing to find out that people liked Skyrim. They thought this must be because of the all the dragons. So in the interest of good business, they decided commission Lair 2 and set a tentative 2012 release date. The game will use dual Playstation Move controllers, allowing players to direct their onscreen character by physically flapping like a dragon. They can also squawk into the microphone for extra bonus points. Bethesda were later seen pissing themselves with laughter.

Assassin’s Creed 5 to be Set In Space!

A 500 year-old Ezio is reanimated in order to fight the evil the Space Pope, who has stolen the Banana of Eden and is hiding in Saturn’s Rings. Ezio eventually comes across an alien called Treonardo De Flinchi who crafts all kinds of improbable space gadgets that he can use against the Pope’s evil minions. The game’s tagline is “Less Stealth Than Ever Before!” as Ubisoft promise to deliver both hard-hitting action and deep historical accuracy. They also confirm the existence of mutiplayer which now includes vehicles, rocket jumps, plasma swords and hadokens.

About The Author
Jasdeep Sahota
  • strauss

    hate to break the news to you but metal gear Solid Rising has been confirmed to show up, everything else is good lol

  • Jasdeep Sahota

    Lol, MGS: Rising was confirmed about a week ago. The ‘unlikely’ part isn’t that the game shows up, it’s that Kojima makes the entire thing himself.

  • Motordom

    This is not a diss, Hideo Kojima is a cool guy but he always has a dumb look on his face, lol. Have you ever noticed this? He always stares dirctly at the camera with a plain face, and his eyes always look like hes high or focused, its funny, look. here are some pictures and hes always dong the same plain expression.

    Edit: To be more specific, take a look at the first pic in the link. He always does this pose LoL
    @ Conner, I didnt say he was ugly i just said he always does the same pose.

  • gail C

    please leave some links of interviews with MGS5

  • zigg3ns

    1.How it works?

    2.What games so far are known to have that feature?(besides of MGS HD Collection)

    3.I preordered the PSVita and i have the MGS HD Collection on PS3, will there be a psv version of it? if they gonna be one do i have to buy the psv version of the game?

    4th and final question: Will Hideo change that name, is kinda silly xD